A communication network is critical for the survival of all living things. All species of animals have their own unique way of communicating. Science has discovered intricate communication networks between living elements in forests and other ecosystems.
Human beings are no exception. One of our most obvious ways of communicating is through conversation. Therefore, conversation skills are critical to our survival as individuals, families as well as organizations of all descriptions—whether a business, a sport team or another type of organization—somehow they need to communicate clearly and concisely to have their needs addressed.
Despite the importance of conversation skills, it remains an underdeveloped skillset for many people. There are some obvious traps that people fall into when communicating with others. These often derail efforts to communicate the message accurately and with clarity and risk damaging relationships.
Have you ever had someone approach you and start talking when you really do not have time to listen? Or perhaps you catch yourself doing this same thing at times?
This is the one of the conversation traps that many fall into.
It can be frustrating for the person on the receiving end, and a source of disappointment for the person sharing when they do not receive the kind of response they are hoping for. This is quite a common occurrence, and it creates complications for both parties.
A simple way to avoid this situation—and massively improve your conversation success—is by simply “asking permission”. It is a powerful strategy to shift almost any conversation while creating deeper, more respectful relationships. By asking permission to share or start a conversation you demonstrate respect, which in turn creates a safe space for the conversation to occur.
When you do not begin with a request to communicate and an agreement to continue, you are literally forcing a conversation on the other person! The result, be it with an adult or child, is they may become annoyed, frustrated or shut down and do not even listen—all of which reduces the benefit of having the conversation in the first place.
Even if the conversation you want to have is positive or may really help them, by not taking the time to engage their willing participation in the conversation the benefits are often lost.
The lost art of Asking Permission supports conversations by…
- Slowing down the conversation.
- Ensuring the other party has time and/or interest to engage and listen to what you share.
- Creating a comfortable environment for others to receive your feedback or hear your suggestions and advice.
- Demonstrating respect for the other person by honoring them as an important part of the coming conversation.
- Allowing the other person to offer an alternative time to talk when they can be more receptive and engaged with your needs.
This leads to much more dynamic conversations.
Everyone has examples of this because it happens all the time. People force you into conversations by not ensuring you are fully available, and you force your conversations on others in the exact same way.
Here are some examples…
Offering Constructive Criticism—sharing your thoughts with people without first asking if they are open to the conversation, is setting yourself up for disappointment. Without ensuring that they are ready to listen, the conversation may land short of the mark.
Sharing unwanted advice—often when people are struggling with a problem the last thing they need is advice from some external party. Forcing this on them can lead to complications and jeopardize the relationship.
Interrupting people—can take place when they are in conversation with others or deep in concentration on their own. The first is obvious and most of us have been taught not to interrupt ongoing conversations however interrupting a concentration flow is not as obvious and equally as disruptive. In my days as a leader I often had to shut my door to keep unwanted conversations out—and that did not even stop some people from barging in.
Without asking for permission to share your thoughts the results are often disappointing for both parties.
People can react to the unwanted conversation by…
- Ignore it completely
- Get angry at the intrusion
- Feel hurt and disappointed
On the other hand, if you take time to ask if it is okay to talk with them about a particular topic, you are leading by example and teaching an important element of respect. Once you have permission, you can explain the reason your thoughts will support them. The result—they are much more likely to absorb what you are saying.
How can you create safety when the conversation is not optional?
One way is to offer a choice as to when or where the conversation will take place. Consider with them, if it is appropriate to have the conversation in private, with specific people present or in a different location. There is no exact answer however all these considerations demonstrate respect and contribute to more effective results in conversations.
Some different ways to ask permission.
- May I (please)…?
- Can I (please)…?
- Would I be able to…?
- Do you mind if I…?
- Do you think I should…?
- What do you think if I…?
- I think I’m going to…Is that okay?
- What do you think about…?
And wait for an affirming answer before continuing with the desired exchange.
Asking permission is an emotional intelligence skill. It is a relationship builder. Re-establishing our connection to this lost skill will empower all relationships today and into the future.
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